Ummm, no. Oh, hell no.

Manhattan, New York

On the border of Soho and Tribeca, high end real estate burgs occupied with a diverse population of multi-millionaires ranging from the fields of entertainment, media, investment and illicit capital and of course real estate, an actual oasis lush with tropical potted plants and palm trees materialized in a usually abandoned gravel lot. A thing called Gitano opened up by one of the busiest traffic intersections in the city on Canal St. This bar/restaurant and modern gilded age bizarro world concept came from the minds of two rich party dudes and is derived from and named after an establishment they run in a luxury vacation jungle in Mexico.

It also came with the approval for some reason by the Community Board and rubber stamped by your city of New York.

According to an incredulous article by the Tribeca Citizen:

The other day, this flyer caught my eye: The vacant lot at the northeast corner of Varick and Canal has been the site of many interesting temporary endeavors (most recently an aborted outpost of Smorgasburg), and a “Community Garden style space” seemed an unlikely, but welcome, addition. Alas, I had already missed the meeting. When I asked Community Board 2 for more info, I assumed they thought I was talking about something else, because they kept saying that the matter was now in front of the State Liquor Authority. Why would a “Community Garden style space,” especially one involving the City-As-School high school, need a liquor license?

Gitano, as it will be called, will be a “fully outdoor tropical garden jungle style restaurant similar to the Principals current operation in Tulum, Mexico; this will include a Mexican restaurant and bar with one main operator Grupo Gitano, LLC with a partner retail store and a partner coffee/café; there will also be a meditation circle/reflecting pool area on the southerly portion of the lot for restaurant and coffee patrons and a separately accessed community garden styled area growing herbs and vegetables with an educational component for schools and non-profit groups in the southeast corner; alcohol service and consumption will be limited to the Restaurant and Bar area only […] The restaurant and bar area will be primarily seasonally operated May to November in 2018 and 2019 only.”

“The open gravel lot is roughly 23,465 square feet, surrounded by a fence and will be improved with temporary structures, plumbing, running water and electricity among other improvements; the interior of the lot will include many large lush tropical styled plants […] which will be brought in for each season and removed in the off season to warmer climates; the north central portion of the lot along Grand Street will house a the partner coffee area with 11 tables and 30 seats; the northeast corner will be the ‘back of house’ servicing area with fully plumbed toilets, refrigerated storage areas, a finishing kitchen; dry goods storage and garbage area; the bulk of the premises is the restaurant and central bar area which is rectangular in shape spreading east to west located in the center northern portion of the lot which is accessed through the primary entrance which is set back from Grand Street; in the restaurant bar area there are five separate seating areas, some fully covered and some located on wood platforms and some on crushed granite; there will be 400 table seats including banquet seating and 100 tables, there are 30 bar stools at the bar; the Southern portion of the premises will have a meditation circle in the Southwest corner, a reflecting pool in the center and a community garden styled area in the Southeast area.”

Sounds interesting if you like into this sort of stuff, which are easily available all over the city and the boroughs of Brooklyn and Queens close to the bridges. But this absolutely not inviting, for this paradise is durably cloaked two times over with black mesh. It all depends on what community you’re from. Examples like being a single working mom or the actor that played Liz Lemon’s boyfriend.

Neat, huh. But this ain’t nothing compared to what the community minded entrepreneur and LLC collective running this fake ass oasis describes as plumbing improvements to the vibrant lot.

Check out this fucking tank just barely exposed and sticking out above the fence!

…and look at the natural water source!
What’s this little nozzle and hose poorly hidden under the gravel? So now you can see how these tropical trees and plants will survive away from their equatorial natural habitat. And who knows maybe they are filtering taxpaying city water to produce the ice for their creative artisan cocktails. It looks like these bozos were so caught up in their wild vibrant ideas that they couldn’t find a way to do even a half-assed job to obscure their little water preserver. And an essential device for the FDNY to prevent the spreading of a devastating, destructive, life endangering fire. Although the sun and the earth’s rotation does give them a hand casting a shadow on the incriminating hose. It might be safe to assume they just don’t give a shit because all those involved have a modicum of fame, as well as your fucking city because it’s dependent on all this lifestyle money as a source of funding for your civil and civic services.

This absurd theater is based on tons of bullshit. It’s curious to know who is on this community board to give the thumb’s up to this anomaly, does it consist of crass individuals from the restaurant and hospitality industries as well as immoral hedge funders and venture capital vultures? Why couldn’t Robert Dinero, Tribeca resident and film festival promoter tell these overpriced tapas and tequila pushers to fuck themselves too? The blatant duplicity by pushing this as some kind of high school project is quite creative if brazenly immoral and unethical. Too bad those morons at Rockaway Brewery and Slate Property couldn’t pull this same bait and switch grift when they tried to open a beach on a dirty poisoned lot in Ridgewood a few years back.

This fucking tropical dump is on the goddamn starfuckers occupying City Hall. All of this, and anything that has emanated from the skulls of any elected and appointed officials in the last 2 decades, make no damn sense at all.

But mostly it’s on the hipshits that love this luxury poser lifestyle shit and flock to it like the oblivious lemmings they are that a market exists for this. (Remember Frye Festival?). Only a demographic this stupid can make something culturally universal and commonly frugal like Mexican Cuisine into high end dining.

The only way this gets fixed is not to put an end to it for using a city emergency resource to justify it’s existence, for it’s going to be going on for four months and another four next year, but to actually open it up to everyone that wants to go in and enjoy their food and drinks, but mostly want to sit in the cool shade provided by the plumage around them since the majority of the humans in New York can’t afford their asinine prices.

It’s clear why they need all that isolating dark mesh to begin with, to block out the inconvenient ugliness of poverty and traffic. This tacky faux gilde age jungle is nothing more or less than a symbol of the induced gentrifcation going on your city and in metropolises around the world. Yes, world.

Open it up for the community like these water raiders promised they would. Hell let the homeless in too so they can rest somewhere nice for a while and maybe enjoy the amenities that regular hard working, stagnant wage earning people never have had or ever will have access too. And even get some gardening lessons in the meantime.

Thanks for your concern, Gitano Group. Every citizen of the five boroughs are looking forward to your contribution to this vibrant, diverse city.

 

Update

It looks like the proprietors and their venture capital investors had to use their own cash to spring for a new water resource:

Let that be a lesson to ya, mostly to the shit-for-brains starfuckers at City Hall for approving this appalling nonsense and initially ignoring the siphoning of the city taxpayer’s water.

You’re welcome.