The Boomtown Rats
We come for your ample undeveloped luxury tower lots and artisan fare.

Prospect Heights, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Looks like there is some blowback from all the hyper-development, tower pestilence, vibrant restaurants and society damaging gentrification going on in the hottest and insanely overvalued borough in the world. A mass proliferation of rats have appeared in the small and modest enclave of Prospect Heights in Brooklyn.


Along with the pilgrimage of the young, ambitious and mindless frivolous spenders yearning to live blissfully in the midst of and expense at the majority of long time residents struggling to keep pace with the rising unaffordability in the area, the rat population has also exploded and has laid siege to the blocks nearby from the burgeoning makeshift metropolis brought to them by the fine folks of the Pacific Park project being currently run by Shanghai, China real estate titan Greenland Properties.

A huge cavernous neighboring lot awaiting an affordable luxury tower apartment building next door to classic durable rowhouse apartment buildings seem to be the preferred dwelling place for the rodents as sure as it is for their orgies. According to the spokeswoman Ashley Cotton for the foreign predatory developer being interviewed by adorable meteorologist Vanessa Murdock (usually Marcia Kramer does reports like this, is she on vacation?), they have taken proper measures to abate the massive rat problem yet somehow the rats are wreaking havoc and somehow even mischief on their neighbors homes and cars, and are driving concerned citizens to fear for their children and pets due to their reported unusual sizes. Not yet known is whether they can walk upright and speak one or two languages. As if the gentrification caused by the new affluent Humans Of New York to their borough wasn’t enough.

To combat this scourge, Brooklyn’s Borough President Eric Adams will hold a Rat Summit in the hope to attract the best minds (his quote) to come up with an idea to stem the rat race from growing. You know like Mario’s son’s Governor’s million dollar offer for some geniuses to fix the subway. The only minds that are truly available is straight out of fiction, Willard and Ben, and the latter is the rat. Oh, but an alpha rat. But Adams, the idiot clown, wants to waste public time and money trying to court and assemble some crack team like Scorpion for rat abatement, even after hearing it from and walking with the constituency who witnesses it every day.

As for those responsible, well I guess they just got here, being that they are the third real estate corporation that has took over the reins for the building of these properties awarded by the city over 15 years ago. First by Bruce Ratner of Forest City, then Ratner sold a major share to Russian oligarch Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov and then sold another major share to Greenland because it’s getting kind of obvious that these towers aren’t selling shit.

Which makes the sultans of Shanghai responsible for this current infestation is that they did a lousy half-ass job about it or probably didn’t want to bother at all (Why didn’t Vanessa Murdock asked to go inside the lot?, betcha Marcia Kramer would have barged in) You think with the recent flu epidemic going round nationwide, you think a major foreign corporation would want to be more proactive about something that can spread disease quickly like these filthy rodents. I hope they are familiar with the Bubonic Plague.

It’s clear the only thing they hope for is more profits and more generous rezoning from the city, we do have those projects in the Bronx, East Harlem and East N.Y. which is four express stops away from Rat Ground Zero where this hole is. As for the citizenry in Prospect Heights, they just have to wait after the rat summit for a solution and inevitable diminished return as they continue to hopelessly endure the existential ratpocalypse.


Apologies to Bob Geldof, Johnnie Fingers, Pete Briquette, Simon Crowe, Garry Roberts and Gerry Cott


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